|no reason really
||[Apr. 19th, 2008|01:04 am]
|||||jesus & mary chain: head on||]|
mother still thinks i'm too tired too much of the time.
"so your blood results came back negative for mono?"
"i don't understand, even your father had more energy than you at your age. i did too. do you think you're just bored?"
"i don't think that's it. this happened in england too, the last two years or so. you could hardly say i was bored during that time."
"sigh, i just don't understand. you shouldn't be this tired."
i subbed today, which means they saw me at my worst. although i did actually sleep a bit the night before, it wasn't much. i woke up at 4:30 and then 5 and did not get a break all day, although i was supposed to have one for 1st period (the teacher's prep) i had to sub for a family life/sex-ed class (more on that later).
dad picked me up after school and i was somewhat talkative, and to mother when she finally got home. i did some emailing/research when i came home and then couldn't sit up any longer. i couldn't stay awake. it was about 5:30 at this point and i passed out on my bed, without ear plugs, and with my door 1/2 open. i'm not ever capable of that unless i'm totally dead. when i woke up i was shaking and nearly dropped my water glass. this often happens to me when i reach this level of exhaustion. i felt like i had been drugged, and/or had had 4 pints of blood extracted from my body. i felt tingly & shaky all over, and gingerly walked to the tv room couch. i was honestly afraid i'd drop my glass or my plate for dinner so just sat there, shivering under the covers until dinnertime. i also have this same level of exhaustion after the bookstore about 1/2 the time, sometimes more than that, and those are only 4-6 hour shifts, max, and are extreeeeeemely mellow, compared to say, teaching, or the work i did in london. i even had an excellent day at school today, so it wasn't bad students, etc. i just, seem to get unreasonably tired from a day of a certain amount of publicly exerted effort (not WHILE exerting the effort-note), i suppose that's what you could call it. but even when i try to tidy up my room though, or deal with more private matters, i can't seem to do it for as long as i used to, i get really tired after about 30-40 minutes. i'm rarely able to go for longer. now, as you all know, i'm not a tidy person, and it's not my favorite thing, but again lately, i have actually enjoyed clearing things out and getting rid of things, but it makes me very tired.
i don't WANT to be this tired, i don't desire it and it is not, essentially, very ME. mom and dad know this and i think it's why they're so frustrated to see it. obviously they didn't see the 2 plus years i had this going on in london after i left work most days. even when 's' was living with us, and that was in the very beginning, i remember him closing the door on me in my bedroom after i'd collapsed on the bed after work, and he'd start making dinner. sure, i went out a lot, but esp. the last 2 years, i had very little energy compared to the first two. when i walk out of the bookstore or leave campus i feel kind of shell-like, physically, like my body might collapse in on itself because there's nothing inside it to stuff it out, hold it up. sapped.
i honestly don't think there is much physically wrong with me. i still think it's because my mind is often hyper/overactive, and i feel impeded in my ability to accomplish certain things. if i'm at the bookstore and get an idea for a story, or something else in the artistic or 'life' vein (i.e. something i'd like to research etc.). i may get a few minutes to scribble something down, but i can't involve myself in it. i have a backlog of ideas for photography series & art installations or even performance art, but where/how to execute these things? where to start? inspiration must find a way to work its way into your daily life, and that is often incredibly inconvenient for someone as scatter-brained as myself, who will forget things as soon as the moment has passed. obviously i keep a notebook and scribble things down, but i do believe when you SEE things differently (his happens to a lot of people more than the world-at-large realizes) and you don't run just on auto-pilot, life, itself, is exhausting. when you see EVERYTHING as 'material' and you consciously and subconsciously document it all in your mind, and then try to on paper, or on the computer, even if it's just some random quotes from the dittering old substitute teachers who come into the bookstore every week, it's tiring. i also know that both of the jobs i'm doing now, are not permanent. they have no career-like focus, which to a certain extent may be draining me also, in that it doesn't feel 'forward' enough. but i don't desire to be locked into a traditional career (most of which are disappearing these days anyway, the structure itself, etc.) at this point in time, and am happy reserving the right to non-committal freedom as far as that goes. i also happen to know that while i love a certain amount of busy-ness and chaos, and indeed, thrive on it, i know in order to accomplish certain things, well, i need A LOT of head space. the lack of 'head space' in the 'real world' is, i find, almost devastating. the quantity of head space necessary even to get very simple simple wheels turning, whether it be personal thoughts/emotions/adjustments, or more concrete applications of the mind to the world-at-large, i find, almost, devastating also.
if i was a hypochondriac i'd say i have epsteen (epstein?) barr but...honestly...i really just think it's just a frustrated mind. once my productivity is more balanced and picks up and i have something produced i feel genuinely proud of i expect my mood will improve, personally, but, i will still have to deal with work-exhaustion no matter what, unless i find that absolutely perfect, non-location-locked, travel-allowed, music-involved, socially-active, artistically-functioning job/career. cough, cough, cough.....
on another note, TB is spreading around madera (the high schools specifically), and i potentially have been exposed to it, and no, my usual cough has not gone away, so i'll have to get tested for that sometime next week. fun times indeed.